From Your Diary: Keerthi Sekar
As cliche as this is, finding comfort in growing yourself, spending time with yourself is such a powerful thing when trying to become comfortable in your own skin. It develops your mind, body, and the energy that flows out of you.
We were always told to show only a specific side of ourselves to the world, so it feels like a facade when you were unable to share how you truly felt. With this, for a long time I felt like I had to be categorized into a specific box due the passions I wanted to pursue.
“Can’t you be different? Why do you have to do things that everyone else does?”
Automatically, people ask this question when I tell them my interests or what I hope to see myself become. So what it’s STEM. So what that it’s bharatanatyam. So I have a 9-5 job. Even with these “typical paths” everyone has very different experiences and opinions on it. How can everyone be different? Doesn’t that change the definition of unique? It’s in the human tendency to seek comfort by grouping information into known areas, stereotypes. I even found myself falling into this trap and stopping myself from trying new things.
Small things like:
“I’m working to be an engineer, I don’t have what it takes to be artistic.”
“I have to be academically smart, steer away from my sports interests.”
“Being in STEM, I can’t wear colorful, expressful clothes. I won’t be taken seriously. People will think I am not qualified.”
But why is there a need to automatically put a box or label on ourselves? All I feel from these comments and judgements is a block in my path, self-doubt. I feel smaller than the hopes I had for myself.
As someone who used to constantly say “Am I good enough” in every situation I was handed, I often got carried away with how people felt about me and lost myself along the way.
Once the pandemic hit and I had to live alone, I found myself thinking in a different way.
Forcing myself to gain new experiences alone allowed me to figure out what it means to be comfortable in my own skin. Loneliness is seen as a sad, negative feeling in many situations. Self Isolation has a negative connotation at first glance. Eating alone at a restaurant, taking a walk, being single, or even just staying at home by yourself are all situations that people look at with pity. Why does being alone correlate with serious, negative emotions? It’s not always the case. I think being comfortable spending time for yourself, nurturing yourself, or even just being happy with all those experiences I just mentioned can change that perspective.
I found myself understanding what it means to be authentic, to be myself without any filter.
It allowed me to break away from channeling what I wanted to do through other people's expectations or through what I felt other people expected of me and made me feel okay with who I end up to be. It took away all the bottled up pressure and doubt that comes with it. I think that is what it means to be authentic. Doing things for yourself and not feeling like you need to share it with the world. To be able to be comfortable in your own skin, be okay with making mistakes, and not feeling embarrassed by who you are and what you believe in. Looking back at times that were difficult, I think the reason why I was able to get through them was because I was able to encourage myself. Pick myself up and say, “It’s alright that you reacted that way.”
At the end of the day, I realized that I am going to be the person that will get myself through those tough times. It's not pessimistic, it's realistic. Our culture stresses on being with your communities or surrounding yourself constantly around other people but oftentimes going through things as an individual is a lot more powerful when it comes to being able to truly understand what you're comfortable with and what you believe in. We can have faith and hope in others, but we shouldn’t let that control how you want to live your life. I liked gaining a sense of comfort as I've noticed myself growing in different ways. I have seen that the new energy around me attracts people with a similar mindset and it led me to have deep connections with other people. I value that more than going through experiences gaining many relationships or friendships. Being able to reflect and grow your own confidence allows you to be seen in that same way with others. As I go through the rest of my twenties and continue on to my 30’s, I am going to come across new and different experiences. It’s guaranteed. I just have to be faithful in myself, hopeful in myself that I can confidently say, it’s okay to be me.
