Dear Reader…
July 2021
At times, it seems as though starting something is equivalent to committing. I notice, whenever I choose to start, my life expands in some unforeseen way. It’s almost as if, recommitting to yourself is what triggers the most illumination.
However, in the beginning, it started off as a request: I wanted life to be easier for me. The path I ended up taking, however, was unprecedented and my life took a drastic turn when I started to learn more about subconscious reprogramming. The information was presented so randomly that in hindsight, was definitely a granted prayer. I now was affirming, meditating, setting intentions and creating a journey for myself. In a way, I had set the intention to experience life with joy again and the universe handed me a map. This time the map was my mind and the treasure was my life back.
Healing was the answer. I had to work on everything I thought was “fixed”. I had to get back up somehow - I needed some clarity on what this was all for. I mean in the beginning, I was healing a broken heart. Now, I am healing every single limiting belief I could ever possess.
Lately, everything feels like a beginning. Every small step I take to move forward, I feel triumphant on the other side. Then, after a few days of riding that high, my mind reminds me of something else i have to work on, a trigger or feeling comes up that i learn to process. The unspoken rule feels like: if I do not process my emotions or learn to transmute them, I cannot move on to the next level. I think my life over the past few months had been so revolved around healing and learning as much as I could, that I didn't step up for air. I again put myself in a box.
I think that’s what this current level I am on is all about. That's why I am being honest with you. In july of 2021, I did not write. I did not write from July until now. I did not create or honor The Indian Standard. I felt unworthy, unmotivated, ill-fated. I just felt… horrible. I couldn't get up and move. I think this next level is to get back to me. "i know what i want, but i don't have it"… that narrative is going out the window. That narrative has just run my life. Me filling in the type-a shoes during the day, and then becoming debilitated by my mind at night. Right when 6pm hits, I go into my slumped, unmotivated, triggeringly-similar-to-depression state. I hesitate, question, disregard, resent. I feel such pain at the most random times - granted, things are slowly but surely getting better. But this fight i'm fighting, is one for my life back. One for me. One that I cannot ever give up on, no matter what. As debilitating as it can feel at times, it is pain that is worth experiencing. It is years and years of tears. Years and years of self-pity, abuse, anger, rage, abandonment, sadness and pain. It's pure pain that I am relinquishing - some scars are bound to be ripped open at times. Healing is not glamorous at all. It is beautiful because it is not perfect or linear. The healing journey is rewarding because it truly is the most work. I mean, most days, you’re questioning if you’re even moving forward. You come off as confident, unbothered, free even at times. But no one really knows how much you wonder if you’re even doing it right.
I think that is the most silent, painful aspect. That no one really knows how hard you're trying. So the off handed tough external moments at work can feel mountainous. However, you soon learn that your response to triggers are more indicative of your character than the actual event you think is directed at you. So you learn, you grow, you heal and you start creating again.
So hi, after a long time. I'm here writing in December for an issue that was supposed to be done by july. So in the name of “making the most of it” - let’s talk about how the start of something can feel mountainous, strenuous, hard… but illuminating.
