From your Diary: Deepak Seshadri
...5, 4, 3, 2, 1...POP! Excited voices exclaiming, “Happy New Year!” are all I can hear. A bottle of sparkling cider is opened and frothy bubbles of sugary goodness ooze out. It’s a family tradition... every year we huddle in front of the television, watch the countdown to New Years, and celebrate the occasion with a bottle of Shop-Rite brand sparkling cider. This year, there was a certain excitement that hung in the air because everyone was talking about 2020. The end of a decade and the beginning of something exciting, something new. I had no idea that the impending year would be so turbulent. The tragic death of Kobe Bryant and a global pandemic, contributing to academic and personal struggles, all of which resulted in a pervading sense of loneliness. Confusion. Darkness. This was not how it was supposed to go, and yet here we are. Despite the chaos, there is something that I was able to learn from this year: becoming more comfortable with...
Uncertainty.
It’s something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember, and the more I think about it, the more I realize just how much this feeling has impacted me. Every single area of my life has been affected by my desire for things to be solidified and certain. It drives me to aim for perfection in everything I do, to crave the stability that comes from knowing. Knowing exactly what comes next, what to do, how to do it, and where I go from there. Schoolwork? My google calendar always stays updated, and each assignment has its own plan of attack. Clinical work? On any given day, you can find me poring through readings about the most effective kind of psychotherapeutic intervention for different kinds of cases (I’m a second year Doctoral student in Clinical Psychology). Creative exploits? I know my photography manual settings like the back of my hand, and always have a writing piece or two in the works. It sounds good in theory, and may even at times work in practice. But lately, and especially this year, I have found myself wondering what I would do if, in spite of all my plans, life still knocked me down. The control that I was seeking so fervently, just gone. Now what? What’s next when everything I had meticulously planned is rendered moot by the sweeping tides of life, and all that’s left is…
Uncertainty?
Otherwise known by my mind as the deep dark abyss of the unknown, where lots of terrible and scary things happen. Though I value spontaneity, there’s just something about knowing that has always comforted me. It helps to ease the mind of an over thinker like myself. The thing is, what I’ve come to realize more and more, is that life is FILLED with uncertainties and none of those things are in my control. Which brings me back to the million dollar question… “What do I do?” If anyone feels or has ever felt the same way I do, I get it. It’s hard when you feel this dissonance that seems impossible to resolve. What I’ve found that helps me, is to find solace in a very simple but seemingly scary idea:
Trust.
Through the uncertainty, past the overthinking, and over the games your mind tries to play, anchor yourself in something concrete...yourself. Something that, I can assure you, is worth the trust you’re giving it. Trust in your ability to be a game changer, your creativity to color outside the lines, the ingenuity of your ideas, the strength of your intuition, and trust yourself enough to let go. Funnily enough, by releasing your grasp on externalities, you will begin to find a heightened sense of agency from within. To control what you can, accept what you cannot, and adapt to any situation that you may find yourself in...without being confined by the expectations of what should be or what should have been. It helps me, and I hope this helps you.
- Deepak Seshadri
