From Your Diary: Kiran Rajan
It's not easy to be yourself. It comes quickly to some people but for others, simply defining who you are is a lifelong battle.
Identity is formed on the foundation of self confidence and not everyone can muster up the confidence to accept themselves.
As someone who makes rap music, the entirety of my music career is based around my natural self. In order to deliver high quality songs, I have to tap into the inner recesses of my mind and bring forth something that is unapologetically “me”. I like to think that I’ve worked long enough to get to that point but even now I have my doubts. I’ve had issues with anxiety for as long as I can remember. To this day I still find myself significantly affected by it. It makes me feel weak for feeling it, which feeds into the toxic practice of trying to shut out my true feelings entirely.
I’ve spent a lot of time in my life shaping my views of myself around what other people thought of me. To the point where I have no true knowledge of what it means to be “me”. In dealing with my own anxiety it feels like a part of myself was erased. Music is the last true glimpse I feel like I have of myself because I’ve allowed myself to create songs on mental autopilot.
When I sit alone in a dimly lit room with headphones on staring at beats for hours on end, I feel truly in my element. Music is the last great bastion of myself that I have. All due to the fact that my anxiety and insecurities have resulted in me doubting and erasing the authentic parts of myself.
I urge those of you reading to look inward and ask yourselves some questions. What do you want out of yourself? Who do you want to be in this world? It may seem like a tough line of questioning but it is a necessary one. Delve deep into the core of who you are and find that part of you that wishes it could see the sun. Feed your ambition, feed your creativity, and forget about the consequences for a little while. You are who you are and you shouldn’t allow anything or anyone to make you feel like you need to be anybody else. I hate having to be the optimist all the time, but listening to your inner demons gets really old. As someone who’s spent his entire life wrapped in negativity and toxic behavior, I think I’m owed my fair share of optimism. No matter how lost you feel like you are, there’s always hope for you. Now, if you already feel at home with yourself and know exactly the person you are, I applaud you. However, to the rest of you wonderful folks, I hope you find who you’re looking for. It’s not easy to be yourself, but it's worth a shot.
- Kiran Rajan
