From Your Diary: Himani Jadeja

I didn’t love myself. I didn’t respect myself. 

I don’t have a good relationship with my parents, grandparents, and extended family in general. I’ve faced trauma after trauma during my childhood, including multiple sexual assaults. It’s hard to get over the existing toxic relationships and trauma in your life that you grew up with and before I even realized, I found myself in a toxic romantic relationship for 9 years. 

So what if he doesn’t allow me to wear certain clothes? It’s okay because he still thinks I'm pretty. So what if he doesn’t allow me to have male friends? It’s okay because he doesn’t trust men. So what if he called me explicit names like “whore” and “slut” and much more during fights? It’s okay because it just came from a place of anger. So what if he doesn’t allow me to participate in the same activities he allows himself, like joining greek life or extracurricular clubs related to my major on campus? It’s okay because he is just worried that I won’t have enough time for him. So what if he threatens to end his life if I say that I want to leave the relationship? It’s all coming from a place of love for me and wanting me to be in his life. Over the years I had started to notice that I was constantly seeking his approval for my life decisions, only doing things that would please him, or being scared to tell him tidbits from my day in case it caused a fight. It had come to a point where my heart and mind were completely at his mercy to manipulate as he pleased. I turned a blind eye to everything because he “loved” me and I “loved” him. 

You see, lack of self-love can sometimes act as a catalyst for remaining in toxic relationships. 

It got even more toxic when he cheated the first time...second time...third time...but I still stayed. He kept telling me that nobody will ever love me more than he does and that scared me that what if I end up alone? When you’re in a toxic relationship and contemplating leaving, you start to think of all the hard work and time spent in the relationship that you’d have to start over with someone else. Deep down, I even knew what I was doing was wrong, but these thoughts made it hard to leave. I was manipulated into thinking the infidelity was my fault. My love had turned into dependency and attachment instead. I fully believe that when someone is toxic, it stems from their own unaddressed traumas and sometimes toxic masculinity resulting in it being projected onto you. It’s not fair, I get it but understanding that fact did help me realize that I am not responsible for fixing other’s traumas while damaging my mental health.

I mustered up every bit of courage I had and walked away. Today, as I sit here a year after having exited that relationship and happier than ever, I want to tell you that nobody is worth you causing trauma to your own emotions. To anyone who may be going through a toxic relationship right now, I ask you to Marie Kondo the heck out of the people in your life and ask yourself if they truly bring you joy. You're a powerful, strong, and deserving human being. When you find yourself in a healthy relationship, you’ll realize that what you believed to be love was nothing more than a sense of attachment. You’ll discover a new world of self-love like never before. You’ll start to do what pleases your heart without seeking external approval. Once you rid the toxicity, you’ll have opened up space for true love to pour in, and trust me, it will. If you’ve ever exited a toxic relationship before, know that I applaud you and am proud of you.

Today, I am in love with myself. I respect myself. You deserve to too. 

- Himani Jadeja