From Your Diary: Rachel Alexander
The Journey
I've heard the phrase, "you'll never get anywhere" from so many different people, and I think back to when I used to believe them; a time when I let random individuals determine my goals and happiness. When I allowed my family's harsh words about how the "formula" for a proper Indian woman is a skinny, polite, and soft-spoken lady. When I believed that people's opinions were what mattered the most and would help me succeed in life. Looking back at those statements, I feel empowered and relieved, knowing that my current self would never succumb to such standards stated by society.
Being the oldest child, more specifically, from an Indian family, the topic of mental health was always shunned and brushed off. The expectation to be strong, confident, and sure of me at all times without faltering or falling back was always present. Although I can remember days in middle school when I could not get out of bed, I also clearly remember pushing myself for fear of being deemed lazy or unmotivated by family and friends. Throughout this period, I had an extremely unhealthy coping mechanism of suppressing my feelings until they were no longer consciously present in my mind. This harmful way of living carried on until high school when I realized I struggled with my mental health.
After several sessions with the school counselor, I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. These were two words I knew my Indian parents would brush off as "excuses that were made to refrain from completing schoolwork," so I decided it would be best to keep the information I had learned to myself. Although I tried to keep my grades up and balance extracurricular activities alongside my social life, it all fell short when I had my first significant breakdown at a family dinner. It was at that point that I realized I needed to get proper help. After what seemed like ages, I managed to get the help and guidance I required and managed to get myself out of a dark point in my life.
Something that significantly stuck with me throughout my mental health journey was that no matter how turbulent the journey is, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I went through two toxic relationships during my recovery period—days of verbal, mental, and psychological abuse that slowed down my progress. I look back at everything that's happened to me, the good and the bad, and I know I have grown as an individual. I am now more confident in her skin and am not afraid to say that I am not okay.
That being said, there are days when my insecurities get the worst of me; days when I pray just to be smarter, prettier, thinner, and more appealing. In moments like that, I like to take a moment to gather my thoughts and feelings. I remind myself of the times those thoughts were why I struggled to wake up in the morning and look myself in the mirror, and I realized that I am more than that. I am more than just a pretty face in a crowd. I am more than just an average girl from a small town. I am someone who is growing and thriving in this world. I do not fear challenges or obstacles; instead, I push myself to the limits for the best results possible. The ultimatum I give myself daily is that I will be better than who I was yesterday, and I will only keep getting better from this day on.
